Into the Deep End

The important thing is this: To be ready at any moment to sacrifice what you are for what you could become. (Charles Dubois)

There are thoughts circling around in my mind, like little wisps of wind that could turn into raging twisters at any moment. Maybe it was too much to plan a wedding and start a new business in the same year. Maybe I should be more social, because I can count the friends I have in Austin on one hand. Maybe I should sit down and write a blog post because these things don't write themselves.

I had a lot of thoughts and plans going into our vacation. I imagined it would be the perfect mix of work and play, productivity and relaxation. I was wrong on all accounts. So wrong, I can only laugh at myself. We had a blast, but came home exhausted and with a longer to-do list than when we left. We also managed to break two laptops — a crashed hard drive for him, a cracked screen for me. We filled our visit to the brim, staying at 4 different houses and driving ourselves around in 2 separate rental cars. We ate out a lot, drank too much, played in the lake, danced the night away, and celebrated his 30th with good friends.

We do not know how to do anything half-way. My Mister and I try to do more, see more, play more, and work more than humanly possible. We are living it up, these days. We are running towards our future and soaking up what's here in the moment. It's sweaty, messy, feverish fun. And it makes my inner control freak take me by the hand, sit me down, and rattle off our to-do list, item by item, in her most stern voice. I listen, but only for a moment. We live this way because we love it. There's still time for laying by the pool, reading a good book, or watching The Leftovers on Sunday night.

It sometimes feels like I am close to my max, but I dive into the deep end anyway. I dream of quiet days with blank to-do lists, but I know in my heart that I'm not made for stillness. Life is just ramping up. It will get crazier and more delightful if we are lucky enough to have kids one day. I can't imagine a more wild, busy, and fun life... but it's around the corner.

These ramblings are like the thoughts circling around in my mind. Typing them out feels like a deep breath and a full exhale. I share them in hopes that you understand where I am. That you think, "I've been there." That you feel my love and anxiety, joy and fear.

I have never been more confident or more unsure. It feels like going into the deep end... cool and refreshing, exhilarating and a little scary.

Image via Unsplash